.

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“How  do  you  deal  with  not  getting  into  relationships?”  a  friend  asked  me  the  other  day  over  a  few  drinks  and  I  shrugged,  laughing.  Slightly  hurt  but  it  wasn’t  deep.  What  he  said  next  though,  hit  home  and  it  had  me  thinking  a  lot  about  everything.

“Aren’t  you  lonely?”  he  continued,  a  bit  more  serious.  I  know  he  wanted  to  dive  into  my  emotions  and  explore  how  I  feel  and  I  was  willing  to  let  him.  But  my  intoxicated  self  was  not  ready  for  it.  I  felt  my  cheeks  heat  up  and  forced  my  eyes  to  meet  his.  He  legitimately  looked  concerned  and  I  forced  my  expression  to  match  his.  For  a  short  while,  we  stared  at  each  other  and  he  raised  both  his  eye  brows,  urging  me  on.  I  laughed  and  he  followed.  We’ve  never  brought  it  up  again.

For  the  rest  of  the  night,  I  decided  to  hold  back  on  the  liquor  and  sparked  up  the  joint  I  had  been  carrying  around  in  my  bag  for  about  two  days.  Four  drags  in  and  I  was  deep  in  my  feelings.  My  sadness  and  mixed  emotions  hit  me  like  a  brick  wall  and  in  a  room  full  of  people,  I  was  lonely  as  shit.

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I  focused  on  my  body’s  high,  trying  to  push  away  the  emotions  that  overwhelmed  me.  How  is  it  that  I  had  never  talked  about  myself  in  depth  to  him  yet  he  knew  that  I  was  lonely?  Was  it  that  obvious?  Did  he  smell  it  off  me?  Does  that  mean  that  everyone  else  can  tell  I’m  lonely  too?  I  was  thinking  too  much  on  the  subject  and  decided  on  the  reasoning  that  he,  too  was  lonely  and  wanted  to  know  if  anyone  else  felt  what  he  felt.

Wasn’t  that  much  of  a  reliable  console  but  I  was  high  and  drunk. It  made  a  lot  more  sense  then. When  I  got  home,  I  did  nothing  but  lay  in  bed  and  burn  a  few  more  joints  as  I  thought hard  and  deep  about  how  I  had  so  much  love  to  give  but  no one  to  give  it  to.

After  I  realized  my  loneliness,  it  didn’t  bother  me  much  anymore for  I  learnt  how  to  cope  with  it. What  bothered  me  though  were  the  lonely  nights.  Just  the  thought  of  seeping  under  my  covers  with  no one  to  hold  me  drove  me  closer  to  insanity  than  anything  else  would. Having  to  be  that  vulnerable  before  anyone  takes  more  than  just  friendship.

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