“How do you deal with not getting into relationships?” a friend asked me the other day over a few drinks and I shrugged, laughing. Slightly hurt but it wasn’t deep. What he said next though, hit home and it had me thinking a lot about everything.
“Aren’t you lonely?” he continued, a bit more serious. I know he wanted to dive into my emotions and explore how I feel and I was willing to let him. But my intoxicated self was not ready for it. I felt my cheeks heat up and forced my eyes to meet his. He legitimately looked concerned and I forced my expression to match his. For a short while, we stared at each other and he raised both his eye brows, urging me on. I laughed and he followed. We’ve never brought it up again.
For the rest of the night, I decided to hold back on the liquor and sparked up the joint I had been carrying around in my bag for about two days. Four drags in and I was deep in my feelings. My sadness and mixed emotions hit me like a brick wall and in a room full of people, I was lonely as shit.
I focused on my body’s high, trying to push away the emotions that overwhelmed me. How is it that I had never talked about myself in depth to him yet he knew that I was lonely? Was it that obvious? Did he smell it off me? Does that mean that everyone else can tell I’m lonely too? I was thinking too much on the subject and decided on the reasoning that he, too was lonely and wanted to know if anyone else felt what he felt.
Wasn’t that much of a reliable console but I was high and drunk. It made a lot more sense then. When I got home, I did nothing but lay in bed and burn a few more joints as I thought hard and deep about how I had so much love to give but no one to give it to.
After I realized my loneliness, it didn’t bother me much anymore for I learnt how to cope with it. What bothered me though were the lonely nights. Just the thought of seeping under my covers with no one to hold me drove me closer to insanity than anything else would. Having to be that vulnerable before anyone takes more than just friendship.